How to be a better parent and boss with Verbal Judo
It turns out the keys for respectful cooperation/communication are pretty straightforward. In fact, the silver and golden rules may sum them up.
Nobody enjoys feeling disrespected or ordered around. Most of us resent being threatened and not receiving an explanation or a second chance.
A couple of years ago I read George J. Thompson’s Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion on a friend’s recommendation. Recently, after picking it up and glancing at the back cover, I recalled the “five universal truths of ‘human interaction.’”
As a concise summary of the lessons in the book, I think these are good points to reflect on for both parents and managers in their treatment of their children and employees, respectively.
I believe the first truth encompasses all the rest: “People feel the need to be respected.” Just think: how do we respect others as individuals and fellow humans? 👇
A basic rule I began applying fairly quickly upon becoming a shift supervisor at Chick-fil-A was the second on the list: “People would rather be asked than told.” It’s a simple shift to rephrase a request as a question, even if the implication is that one has no choice because of the power dynamic (true of both parents with their children or bosses with their teams). Even if the choice is illusory, it makes one feel more valued than simply barking orders like a drill instructor.
The third truth applies strongly to most children, who are naturally curious: “People have a desire to know why.” Providing explanations to children helps them learn how people and things work, stimulating their intellectual and verbal development. You can increase motivation in adults by providing context to a request, something else I did as a shift supervisor. After asking a team member to do some task, I would explain the reason why it needed to be done. You can also clarify why they’re the best suited to the task by offering a nice compliment: “Sadie, can you please clean your workstation during this downtime? I know you’ll be thorough, as always, and I appreciate it, thanks.”
The fourth truth relates to the second above: “People prefer to have options over threats.” With children, you can sometimes get away with the mere illusion of choice. But a manager should offer real options, when possible. By empowering your team, for example, to determine how to prioritize tasks or how to accomplish them, you can inspire a sense of self-ownership. As long as you’ve coached them to succeed, you can trust them to perform without micromanaging. In turn, many people respond better when they are implicitly trusted to step up to the responsibility of a task.
The fifth and final truth is that “People want to have a second chance.” This applies not only to existing employees who make a mistake. Hiring managers should also consider this factor when interviewing candidates who seem to have a variety of jobs or have held positions for short periods of time. The stories someone tells to explain these aspects are less important than their outlook for the future.
People often become afraid of failure when they’ve been “punished” for making a mistake in the past. If possible, give someone the opportunity to correct a mistake as soon as it comes to your attention. The smaller the gap in feedback time, the more likely somebody can implement a change and incorporate what they learned to avoid the same error in the future.
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Disclaimer: I’m not (yet) a parent. 😉
